Just a thought

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little peices of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Hi! How are you?

Hello.

I hope you are well.

Me,



I'm so very tired.

And it's not from

Having slept too little.

No, if anything,

I have been sleeping too much.



I'm so very tired

Of the repetition of a life

Where nothing is coming.

Where I just have to keep doing

What I don't care about

Over and over.



I'm so very tired

Of having nothing to look forward to.

Being paranoid that

Nothing will ever change.

That things will never be different.



I'm so very tired

Of not seeing anything worth coming back to.

You can't care about me in the way I hope you could.

That's how it seems.

I'd like to know why you haven't just told me that yet.



I'm so very tired

Of you telling me to be hopeful.

You've been saying things will get better.

Well I've been waiting my lifetime for things to get better.

And all I get is those words that fall on ears

That just can't believe them any more.



I'm so very tired

And it's not from a lack of hope.

If I didn't have hope I wouldn't have made it this long.

I wouldn't be clinging onto this almost meaningless life.

Even if I don't show it, I must have some hope

Clinging stronger to me than anything else ever has.



I'm so very tired

Of living this dream any more.

A dream is a fantasy of hope.

If it happens and is reality, then it was never a dream.

Please, put me in the state of a dreamless sleep.

I want to go to that sacred silence out of my misery.

Or please wake me up and be there for me.



That's what's up with me.

I hope you are well.

Bye.

 

balentayms

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

What the......?

1. People are animals.
2.The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3.Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.

Para kanino ba ito?

He always seemed so different, like a fallen leaf in the middle of spring. He wasn’t that though. A leaf is brittle: it can be destroyed and broken by human hands. He wasn’t capable of being torn… he could not be ripped apart by humans, only by life. He was so much more than all that, a complete mystery. He was untouchable, drifting from place to place, only staying when things were fun. When they weren’t fun anymore, he moved on, leaving only tainted memories behind him, still seemingly unreachable, dancing just beyond my grasp.

He was so different.

Life never happens the way you predict it, it just unfolds like a spiraling ribbon, sprawling out in front of us. I never understood it. I still don’t actually. I still don’t understand life, how it misleads you into thinking you have found something worthwhile one moment, and then dragging you down the next, drowning you in the regrets of the past…leaving you open and bleeding and in desperate need of help.

That was how it was with him.

And I never realized how little I understood him until it was too late.

Adaptation

Do I have an original thought in my head? Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's going to change that.

FROM THE MOVIE "Adaptation"

Welcome to Team W3td0wn!

Here is where you will find the evidence of our insanity. Welcome.... and beware!